Sunday, May 18, 2008
A Little Lunch For Thought (TM) #13
I moved here over six years, and never had a visitor.
Sounds like an inmate in a high-security prison, I know.
Now, don't get me wrong - we've had quite a few guests in our house, but always from the groom's side. When I wanted to see my family - it was me who got on a plane and made the endless journey to the holy land, being rewarded with a jetlag and a growing sense of all-over-again detachment every time I boarded the plane back to the US.
Complaining?
Moi??
Well, yes.
There is a painful catch in visiting your homeland once a year, as everything seems to depend on that short visit. Family, friends, places - the smallest thing that goes wrong casts a dark shadow; incidents that could be laughed away over a cup of coffee the day after (if you had the luxury of meeting the people you love on a regular basis), get overblown, and - unless mended immediately - cause damage; if someone is having a bad day when you visit - you cannot always set another day to meet, so you either give it up or have a bad experience that gets burnt in the memoirs from that trip.
Also, when you visit, you are the one on vacation (allegedly). You are all excited and full of good will to see and meet and spend time and - - - and soon enough you realize that others do not necessarily share this goodwill, as they are not on vacation. They work, they have a headache, they need to take the car to the garage, they have their daily things to attend to, they may be in the midst of a crappy time at work or in life, or they just don't have the time and mental bandwidth for you. And although they kept chanting "when-are-you-coming-when-are-you-coming-when-are-you-coming-when-are-you-coming-when-are-you-coming" - they actually can't be bothered right now.
That is when frustration strikes.
Like, you broke your own routine, put aside your own activities in order to go visit at a time that's convenient for everyone, spent all that money, went through those endless lines in security and all, did all that traveling (24 hours door to door, if you really wanna know) - and whatever for?
Yup, it sucks.
Distance in mileage and time changes perspective, for better or worse. I now know which relationships will last even if we keep meeting only once in a while, and I am learning to accept that others were just not strong enough, maybe conditioned on time and availability. It's painful, and the sense of loss keeps accumulating with every relationship that switches to the past tense - especially since you do not really get a replacement. Y'see, it's not easy to be the new kid when you're over 40. Everyone is already set in their own lives and families and friends, and you are the one seeking new connections. Add to that not fully understanding the culture and the cryptic dance of "soooooooo nice to meet you let's do lunch sometime" (I admit - I still don't get it!) - and you are set for many, many disappointments. Even if you were a social butterfly with a ring of truly incredible friends back home, you are not guaranteed to replicate it when you immigrate. Far from it.
Did I mention it sucks?
And it takes several years to realize that you're trapped in this limbo: living here too many years to still belong in your homeland, and not yet feeling that you belong here. Actually, you start wondering if you ever will. The past year or two have generously provided me with some very cold showers to increase this sense of wonder.
It's a rude and painful awakening (allow me to cheerfully overuse the word sucks, yet again), but I guess it's part of growing up. Yet another lesson. I can only hope that I will find my niche here, even if right now it seems unlikely. Oh yes, some days, pessimism rocks!
Every visit back home used to throw me off track, emphasizing all the above again and again, and it gets harder to readjust every time I come back.
Until my mom passed away, exactly two years ago, I visited at least once a year, as she was not able to make the trip. But last year I decided that need to think of myself, for a change. I thus announced to my family that from now on, the sky is open both ways; amazingly enough, there are flights from Israel to the USA as well, and it's time for some reciprocation.
And so -
- - - - - - -- - - - - the first swallow is arriving tomorrow!!!
previous little lunch... ...next little lunch
Labels: Acculturation, Culture, Family, It's All About Me, Little Lunch for Thought, People, Venting
# posted by Nava @ 6:31 PM 
Comments:
Hi, Nava:
Don't think you're alone - every expat feels exactly the same - there's always a part of you that remains steeped in your birthplace and its memories are welded into the little grey cells. You can enjoy the widening of your horizons even as you value your origins.
Valerie
# posted by 
: 5/18/2008 8:21 PM
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Don't think you're alone - every expat feels exactly the same - there's always a part of you that remains steeped in your birthplace and its memories are welded into the little grey cells. You can enjoy the widening of your horizons even as you value your origins.
Valerie
# posted by : 5/18/2008 8:21 PM
: 5/18/2008 8:21 PM 
