Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Flashbacks from the past #1
When I just came here, and started the process of becoming a US permanent resident, I used to send a "USA Today" report to my friends.
Blogging did not exist yet, and dinosaurs were ruling the streets.
CherkyB's DMV trauma, especially his incomplete birth certificate, have brought all the memories back...
Here's the report I wrote and sent on March 2003.
Apparently, The JohnnyB was doing his thing even in those days...
USA TODAY
Monday, March 6th
Featuring:
The INS Interview
or
Of "born in small towns" Minnesotans and Their Still Pending Spouses...
...and so, this morning, we went through the ultimate fear: the interview at the INS.
We made sure we have all the original documents we sent them.
We made copies of these original documents, in case they wish to keep them.
We made copies of each and every piece of paper we ever sent the INS, or got from the INS.
We brought an album with our wedding pictures, of us together, with and without other people (and I took the opportunity to also fill it up with pictures of Ilai, my sister's grandson, just to get his cuteness promoted worldwide).
We even made copies of all these pictures, just in case they wish to keep them.
We arrived at the INS office 45 minutes in advance, to be on the safe side.
We did everything right - or did we?
About 10 minutes before our scheduled interview, my name was called, by a very sweet tiny woman, who looked like a porcelain doll. We followed her into the maze of the INS offices, walking in the long corridor, between many small rooms filled with immigrants. From one of the rooms, came the sound of a woman sobbing quietly, adding to the surreal and bleak atmosphere.
We finally reached "our" room, went inside - and were asked to remain standing.
We took a vow, with our right hand raised, that everything we are going to say is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the - and then we got the permission to sit down.
First, allow me to say that - yet again - I learned to never listen too seriously to all those "know-all" who have no idea... All the legends and scary myths about the INS interviews, which are mostly based on the movie "Green Card", turned out to be false.
First, our interviewer was extremely nice, highly intelligent and very pleasant. Not sure if she was an immigrant or not (she seemed Vietnamese or a Philippine, yet her accent was perfectly American).
She started by asking us how we met, where and when we got married, and then asked if we plan to go back to Israel to have a traditional marriage ceremony (to which we answered with a big 'No', explaining the issue of John being uncut...).
Not even one question was asked about any private or intimate details, she couldn't care less about the color of the toothbrush, our knowledge in the birth dates of each other or the underwear size of any of us.
NOTHING!
She then asked us to show all kinds of official proof that we lead a common life: medical insurance, life insurance, bank accounts and such, and then asked to see our credit cards and medical insurance cards.
The next stage was for us to show the original documents of everything we filed to the INS.
She carefully examined our original marriage certificate, my divorce certificate, our passports, my employment authorization (issued by the INS), John's driving license - and then asked me how come I don't have one yet... well, apparently, she's not among the loyal readers of my "USA TODAY"...
Then, she looked at my birth certificate.
I was a bit concerned, as it was in Hebrew, and the only notarized translated copy was given to the INS 6 months ago. After some help from John (as she was holding it upside-down), she was happy.
And then... then she asked to see John's birth certificate.
Now, a momentary flashback, going back in time 6 months: - - -
- - - When we filed the application to the INS, John gave a copy of his Baptism Certificate as evidence of his birth. When I asked him about it, he reprimanded me, with the sweeping confidence that only guys have: "This IS the certificate. It's not like Israel here, y'know...", and so, the little ignorant alien (that's me) accepted his words with complete trust, because, pfffffffffffrrrrrrrrrrr, what do I know, right!? - - - - -
Wrong!
When the INS officer looked at John's baptism certificate, she asked, "OK, and where is your birth certificate?", to which John answered (same sweeping confidence!):
"I do not have any. I was born in a very small town in Minnesota, and they did not issue birth certificate".
She gave him the look of, "Are you fucking with me, dude!?".
And he said, "I even got my American passport based on that certificate. This is basically what I've been using for the last 30 years"
(yes, it's a severe case of denial, as the man turned 37 on January, but that's a different story :-)
She still showed a huge amount of disbelief, said she needs to consult with her supervisor, left the room for 2 minutes, and came back, with the following verdict: "Well, you'll have to send us a birth certificate. This is not sufficient. So, contact the town where you were born, and if they indeed do not issue birth certificates, we'll need to see an official letter from them, stating they cannot issue one. In such a case, you'll need to provide an affidavit, by your mother and an older brother/sister, that you were born".
Then she added, with a little smile, "Because, as far as we're concerned, you are not born yet".
And so, we were given 84 days to get evidence that John was actually born, and - more important - born in the USA.
As, after all, in order to give me a green card, they need to make sure I actually married an American citizen.
"If you don't have any questions, we're done", she said.
John collected all the documents, and turned to the door.
"Wait", I said in despair, "I have a question!".
"What?" she asked with astonishment.
"So - what is my status?" I wondered.
"Oh", she said cheerfully, "You are still pending. Once we get the required documents (within 84 days), I will check it, and then approve your application. We will then send you a letter to come to our office again, and we'll give you a stamp in your passport, which will be your proof that you are approved, until you get your actual green card, which will arrive within a couple of months".
"So", I said in a very small voice, "I cannot leave the country?".
"You can still use your advance parole", she cheered me up.
"But it's expiring in 2 weeks", I reminded her.
"Well, you'll need to apply again for a travel authorization", she said, almost apologetically.
And then she gave me this Yes-dearie-I fully-understand-your-desire-to-kill-him-here-and-now-but-it-wouldn't-be-wise-to-do-it-in-the-INS-offices-so-wait-till-you're-out-of-the-building kind of look.
Told you she was nice!
Now, for some historical facts:
When baby John was about to be born, his mom actually crossed the border between Canada and Minnesota by foot, on a snowy night (January!), to get to the nearest hospital.
So, I asked John if he's sure her water didn't break just 5 meters before the border, on the Canadian side... ...after all, Vancouver is a very nice place to live in, Eh?...
...He actually said that to his mom on the phone, and - after she was done laughing - she approved that she actually made it in time to the hospital in Baudette, Minnesota - which is, according to John's version - too small a town to be giving birth certificates.
And so, dear friends, I am still pending.
My record is crystal clear, as white as the first snow on a January morning in the (small) town of Baudette, Minnesota... not even one tiny stain, but now John is the suspect...
And I ask: why couldn't they give me the bloody stamp in my passport, and put a "pending!" stamp in John's passport??? After all, he's now the immediate suspect!!!
Well, I have always claimed that John is a legend...
...I hereby rest my case: he was never born.
Pendingly yours, Nava (Still, the alien).
Looks like a bad dream now...
next flashback
Labels: Wonders of The JohnnyB
# posted by Nava @ 12:05 AM 
Comments:
So the JohnnyB is really a...
a CANADIAN? Oh, CherkyB is going to have a field day.
# posted by 
: 11/21/2006 7:14 AM
I thought we knew he was Canadian already. Heck, I even made reference to it on an earlier post to this very blog when I said,
"The poor dear fellow is terrible with nicknames. That's part of the curse of his French Canadian ancestry, and while we can't really fault him for it, we can still take advantage of him over it."
But I'm still trying to get past the reference to The JohnnyB's cuttedness or lack thereof. That is a picture I definitely did not need drawn so early in the morning.
Yeah, this blog seems to be all about poviding people with reasons for field days.
Perhaps I should change the mission statement on my blog?
BTW - you gotta love the Guberment Bureaucracy that makes you get a "proof of birth" to get a new passport, drivers license or Green Card for your wife, but then allows you to use your existing ID to get it. So if you've taken over The JohnnyB's identity already, you can use that info to go to the next step and get whatever else you need.
Yep, that's bureaucracy, adding extra steps to the process that serve no purpose other than to (a) slow you down, (b) get you to pay more, or (c) just irritate you.
Interestingly, his link plugging me isn't broken. Just as well. Following link to The JohnnyB is a big waste of time given there's never any new material there.
Having French Canadian ancestry and actually being Canadian are very different things.
# posted by : 11/21/2006 12:54 PM
Ah, wife(cherkyb's) - it is so positively refreshing to have you join the comments forum.
We could use some positive energy, to balance all the meanness that's coming from
husband(wife(cherkyb's)'s).
11/21/2006 1:04 PM
This'd be less confusing if we could just get wife(cherkyb's) to sign her name "the mrs.". Then everyone would know who it was.
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a CANADIAN? Oh, CherkyB is going to have a field day.
# posted by : 11/21/2006 7:14 AM
: 11/21/2006 7:14 AM "The poor dear fellow is terrible with nicknames. That's part of the curse of his French Canadian ancestry, and while we can't really fault him for it, we can still take advantage of him over it."
But I'm still trying to get past the reference to The JohnnyB's cuttedness or lack thereof. That is a picture I definitely did not need drawn so early in the morning.
Perhaps I should change the mission statement on my blog?
Yep, that's bureaucracy, adding extra steps to the process that serve no purpose other than to (a) slow you down, (b) get you to pay more, or (c) just irritate you.
# posted by : 11/21/2006 12:54 PM
: 11/21/2006 12:54 PM We could use some positive energy, to balance all the meanness that's coming from
husband(wife(cherkyb's)'s).
11/21/2006 1:04 PM
