Sunday, December 10, 2006
60 Seconds on Christmas Trees
I suspect that about half of my readers belong to the Chosen Ones.
Those who were chosen to never have Santa slide through the chimney with a bag full of presents.
And for the eyebrow raisers amongst you: Yes, we have a Christmas tree.
We decided to have the best of both worlds: I help The JohnnyB with the Christmas tree, and he lights Hanukka candles. Marriage is all about compromising and finding the golden path. And serving tea.
So, here's my educational bit about Christmas trees, through the eyes of a first timer (almost).
You go to the place where they sell cut Christmas trees.
You can actually go to a Christmas tree farm, where they breed trees.
(It takes a lot of work, mind you... It's not like Christmas trees grow on trees!).
In those farms, so I hear, you actually get to pick your tree, and then they cut it for you. Kinda like pointing at a lobster at a fancy restaurant, knowing that the poor fella was boiled alive just 'cause you chose it.
A-n-y-w-a-y. . .
We just drove to the nearby Christmas tree shop-place-thingy.
It's usually outdoors, it's usually raining, and you usually wear nice shoes, because you forget about the mud. That's part of the deal, so it seems.
And it's not trivial to choose a tree.
Not at all!.
Christmas trees come in all shapes, heights, sizes, prices, and different shades of green.
(Hey, some of the trees even have a coat of white "snow" on them! Adds to the holiday spirit, I presume).
There are also so many different tree types: several varieties of fir, some models of spruce, and then there's the Scotch pine, which I am sad to say I have never met in person. And would you like chips with that?
It's actually fun.
You walk around and look for the one that has the "take-me-home-with-you" eyes.
Now, bear in mind that some trees might have that look, but they do not conform to The JohnnyB's rules.
Christmas trees come in all shapes, heights, sizes, prices, and different shades of green.
(Hey, some of the trees even have a coat of white "snow" on them! Adds to the holiday spirit, I presume).
There are also so many different tree types: several varieties of fir, some models of spruce, and then there's the Scotch pine, which I am sad to say I have never met in person. And would you like chips with that?
It's actually fun.
You walk around and look for the one that has the "take-me-home-with-you" eyes.
Now, bear in mind that some trees might have that look, but they do not conform to The JohnnyB's rules.
Last year, I recall with overflowing emotions, I developed a very special relationship with a charming spruce. I truly felt like it was meant to be, but, after a long and painful debate, we had to part as friends, waving goodbye, trying to hold back the tears.
'cause it had to be fir.
The JohnnyB likes fir.
He is a spruceophobe.
Don't know why.
Also, it can't be too tall.
And it should look symmetric.
(Hmm... sounds like the same criteria The JohnnyB had when he was looking for a woman to share his life).
Eventually, you click with one tree.
And, once that special bond is made, you carry it to the cashier (those trees are heavy!)
Then you load it onto your car roof, tying it tightly all around, so it doesn't get any liberal ideas of being born free and fly away.
Then you load it onto your car roof, tying it tightly all around, so it doesn't get any liberal ideas of being born free and fly away.
The mind of a fir is an enigma. You never know.
You take it home, and give it a good shower, in order to get rid of all them stray needles.
Judging by the amount of needles spread all over - and inside - the car, I thought there will be only two or three left on the tree, but apparently, it's more sturdy than you would think.
Then it's time to cut the trunk, so it has a nice flat base, and to trim some of the lower branches.
That's also when the power tools come into action - and when The JohnnyB gets a very important and manly look on his face.
Alas, what a shame there was nothing I could hand him. Not even a screwdriver. So, I just stood nearby and watched with admiring doe-eyes.
Then the JohnnyB inspects his masterpiece, closely and profoundly, looking at it with repimand and making sure it's perfectly accurate. By now, the tree is in an awkwardly indecent position, and looks very humiliated.
And then you hang the tree.
Yeah, I know - it looks like we've lynched it.
One may also think it got tired of reaching the bottom of degradation and despair, and decided to put an end to it all, its limp body dangling on our back porch, for the neighbors to see.
Well, no.
Not quite.
You see, the tree needs to soak its toes for 3 days and 3 nights in water infused with plant food.
That way, it can recover from the trauma of awaiting while being poked and harassed at the tree place by rude buyers, and then going through The Johnnyb's inquisitional treatment.
Once it gets re-hydrated and rejuvenated, sheds all the dead needles and recuperates, the tree gets back its rosy cheeks, and looks nice and happy for Christmas.
The reason it is so shamelessly hung on our patio, is that it's the only way keep it steady against the strong winds.
It's winter here, y'know.
And in 3 days, it shall relocate to the living room, and get all fancy and decorated.
Just in time for Hanukka...
Hopefuly, we shall find a proper name for it by then.
Labels: Holidays
# posted by Nava @ 6:29 PM 
Comments:
Don't know about you, but if a disguised (or simply weird) man slides down the chimney in the middle of the night - I shoot him (chosen or not).
I do not naively assume he is carrying gifts.
# posted by 
: 12/10/2006 10:53 PM
Ahhhh, you guys...
Words can hardly express how you make me feel.
So full of holiday spirit (chosen and not).
A tear is forming in the corner of my eye.
Fir is dead!! Oh, sorry... that's another cause. It's a pretty tree you've got. I've had a few of those myself, just a few in the past, but not any more. Even if we wanted one now, it would have to hang from the ceiling to keep the cats from destroying it and themselves. That's too much work, but it would look so silly it might be worth it.
To You , who else (With all due respect, I am not quite sure who you are... why don't you come out of the shadow?):
I never imply things.
Besides, who am I to say whether The JohnnyB has indeed gotten the dream woman that conforms to his SPEC!?
Blueberry:
hanging Xmas trees - that's a cool new concept.
You could always use it as a car freshener.
We might leave ours just hanging out there.
CherkyB:
I know.
I could just do it with my sharp tongue.
But The JohnnyB never misses an opportunity to pull out those power tools.
Kitchen knife to cut through walls, power-saw to cut a slice of cellulose tissue.
Go figure.
From the British SUN (ah, the Brits...):
A PRIMARY school sacked a woman teacher for telling heartbroken nine-year-olds there is no Father Christmas.
Parents were furious when tearful youngsters went home saying they had also been taught elves and fairies did not exist either.
The supply teacher, in her 30s, had her contract terminated after complaints to the head. Mum Amanda Piovesana, 30, said her daughter was shocked to be told: “You are old enough to know there is no Santa or fairies. If you ask your parents they will also say there is no such thing.”
Amanda said: “It’s taken away the magic.” The mum of another pupil at Boldmere Junior School in Sutton Coldfield, West Midlands, said: “Everyone is disgusted.” Head Diane Thomas-Wood confirmed: “We have followed up the matter with the agency.”
# posted by : 12/11/2006 1:34 PM
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I do not naively assume he is carrying gifts.
# posted by : 12/10/2006 10:53 PM
: 12/10/2006 10:53 PM Words can hardly express how you make me feel.
So full of holiday spirit (chosen and not).
A tear is forming in the corner of my eye.
I never imply things.
Besides, who am I to say whether The JohnnyB has indeed gotten the dream woman that conforms to his SPEC!?
Blueberry:
hanging Xmas trees - that's a cool new concept.
You could always use it as a car freshener.
We might leave ours just hanging out there.
I know.
I could just do it with my sharp tongue.
But The JohnnyB never misses an opportunity to pull out those power tools.
Kitchen knife to cut through walls, power-saw to cut a slice of cellulose tissue.
Go figure.
A PRIMARY school sacked a woman teacher for telling heartbroken nine-year-olds there is no Father Christmas.
Parents were furious when tearful youngsters went home saying they had also been taught elves and fairies did not exist either.
The supply teacher, in her 30s, had her contract terminated after complaints to the head. Mum Amanda Piovesana, 30, said her daughter was shocked to be told: “You are old enough to know there is no Santa or fairies. If you ask your parents they will also say there is no such thing.”
Amanda said: “It’s taken away the magic.” The mum of another pupil at Boldmere Junior School in Sutton Coldfield, West Midlands, said: “Everyone is disgusted.” Head Diane Thomas-Wood confirmed: “We have followed up the matter with the agency.”
# posted by : 12/11/2006 1:34 PM
: 12/11/2006 1:34 PM 
