Tuesday, April 17, 2007
On The Edge!
Somehow, in the past week, I wake up with a heavy terrible feeling, hating the world and its occupants. Mostly its occupants. As the day goes by, I get edgy and cranky, and the heavy feeling just accumulates and snowballs.
I can't really do much during the day, and as the evening comes, I surrender to the TV and Internet Backgammon, kicking asses of anonymous players . Like a mind-numbing drug, I just get swept towards it, until it's time to go to bed, hoping that tomorrow will bring a new me. But - comes the next morning, and it's the same, only worse, as it's getting more and more frustrating.
I can't even bring myself to paint, which increases the vicious circle, as painting might be the only way to get out of this loop of gloom. Today I made up my mind, forced myself to march into my studio, and decorated some of those collage papers that made me so happy on my birthday. I ended up loathing the results, and about to throw them all into the garbage bin, and then give the wall some serious kicks. (of course it's the wall's fault! what d'ya mean how would it help!?).
Luckily, I decided to not make any hasty decisions as long as I am in this mood.
And I cannot even point out a single valid reason.
It could be just one of these weeks that I have lost my rose-colored glasses, which makes everything seem bleak and pointless.
Or maybe it's the fact that everything is piling up on me, and I am so damn sick and tired of doing so much for others (and having it taken for granted), which does not leave me time and energy to do things for myself and my loved ones.
Or, could it be that my birthday did not just go by, and actually did get me into the mood of looking back, and thinking? As we all know, too much thinking can be quite unhealthy at times.
I only hope that whatever it is, it will go away soon, so I can go back to my content happyish self.
'cause I hate being like that, and I don't really like myself when I'm in that morose state of being!
And thus, I give you this delightfully lovely poem, that truly captures how I am feeling these days.
I don't know who wrote it, but it's brilliant!
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill.
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his fuckin' head.
I'm not a morning person.
Labels: It's All About Me, Venting, WTF?
# posted by Nava @ 4:24 PM 
Comments:
It's back off and say "no" time.
It's Offload Tasks to Others time (where possible) - and no I don't mean JohnnyB, but the SCVW or FALC perhaps - and if things are late..........Ah well!!
Thanks though - most people don't have the courage or honesty to say the things we all feel sometimes, and funnily enough one day you wake up and they're gone. Hang in there, Sunshine.
# posted by 
: 4/17/2007 6:19 PM
Nava
I can relate.
What's really sad is I start hating the things that I know I really love.
A funny thing happened today.
I pretty much said what you posted to Mark on the phone.
He was at work and I was at work... I'm helping my boss who's got herself in a bind again. It's me to the rescue. Then it's me, RESENTFUL.
We both know we can't stay in high gear and be happy.
Can you just take some time off and rest?
I can starting May 1st.
and I'm going to!!!!!
Take care of yourself.
# posted by : 4/17/2007 11:06 PM
Val, thank you. I know I do need to re-prioritize put everything, and put me at a higher place. It's easier said than done, but hopefully, I'll get there.
And thank you for Sunsdhning me :-)
That brought a smile to my face!!
Love you!!!
...and thank you, Rhonda!
Y'know, it doesn't cease to surprise me how much support and positive energy I get from complete strangers whom I've never met.
It is true - too much stress combined with being taken for granted, can metastasize to totally unrelated things and people.
Damn it, I find myself canceling coffee with real friends and putting my own matters on hold - and for whom?
A great, wonderful friend here, who never comments on my blog but is a devoted reader, has called and made me come with her for a walk outdoors tomorrow morning. Should be the ultimate cleansing for the soul.
I hope that will do it.
Hang int there Nava. It's very sweet that you share this with us. It isn't your rose-colored glasses that you lost. Perhaps they were always clear, but when bad things happen to us, those clear lenses become crapped up ... making it hard to see the beauty in life. The beauty is always out there. We just have to wipe our lenses clean every now and then.
I'm giving you a big, warm virtual hug. Now clean those lenses. :)
I'm glad you're going on that walk.
Breathe.
and no killing of little birds today.
(I said that for myself)
:)
# posted by : 4/18/2007 5:15 AM
Nava,
I feel like you're speaking for me. I have been so pissed-off this week (on and off) for no reason at all. I find myself resenting the Turtar and Her Nibs for getting in my way as I'm trying to serve them. I know. It makes no sense. Let me know how your walk goes. If that's the secret to breaking the angry spell, I'll try it. (The ice cream I got yesterday only had a small impact, even with fudge sauce!)
And may I suggest The JohnnyB doesn't start a PhD program--not exactly a relaxing experience for the spouse (or the student...). But we're nearly through--just a few more months!
I hope you feel better soon.
In my house, we call what you are experiencing "PMS Weekend." The JohnnyB apparently calls it "Da Sweedie".
You are going through a depression funk. I am going through one too. I should be kept away from people and given meds. Hopefully a fresh perspective on life in general will be in place soon.
Thank you, Dan, Plainbellied, and Blueberry.
Not quite depression - more like stress, and way too much of it, about small things and small people that pile up and become too much to handle.
Hopefully, by next week, some of that will be out of the way.
and one day, who knows, I might learn to not take things so much to heart, when they do not deserve to be taken.
I LOVE that poem!!! lol!
I can't even bring myself to paint
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Oy man, m'lady! You sound like me now! STOP IT!
Glad you held that "trash it" impulse in check. THAT's a tough lesson to learn the hard way.
Y'all take care and the funk will move along. Good thoughts comin' your way from C-Town, eh. :)))
Michael, indeed, an incredible poem it is.
And so very true.
Sometimes, when you are truly down, you wanna destroy everyone and everything who is not feeling like you. That is the time to stay away from people, as they will only upset you. but when you cannot afford to keep away from people, and they are doing things that drive you crazy ('cause they can) - it's a real challenge to put up with it all.
Ah, if I could put some people on that very window sill.........
Anyway, I swear there is something in the air - many in the blogosphere and around me seem to have some funk.
Thanks for the good thoughts - and hang on there too, m'lord!
(well, if I am m'lady...)
Wow, that poem is something else. I think maybe you are just having one of those days. I get into those moods sometime where I am just in a funk. One time I was so sick of people I spent the whold day to myself under my covers because I knew even if I had the day to my self if I went outside I was sure to see another person and frankly that day I just was sick of people all together. As I was told from my grandmother And this too shall pass. Just take a breather and exhale. It is okay to experience whatever feeling you wish to have.. ( for a little while at least) Hope things get better,that poem cracked me up..
You know, we live oddly parallel lives despite so many differences on the surface. I have BTDT ... you know how to find me. (( hug ))
p.s. I'm going to print and frame that poem. ;-)
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It's Offload Tasks to Others time (where possible) - and no I don't mean JohnnyB, but the SCVW or FALC perhaps - and if things are late..........Ah well!!
Thanks though - most people don't have the courage or honesty to say the things we all feel sometimes, and funnily enough one day you wake up and they're gone. Hang in there, Sunshine.
# posted by : 4/17/2007 6:19 PM
: 4/17/2007 6:19 PM I can relate.
What's really sad is I start hating the things that I know I really love.
A funny thing happened today.
I pretty much said what you posted to Mark on the phone.
He was at work and I was at work... I'm helping my boss who's got herself in a bind again. It's me to the rescue. Then it's me, RESENTFUL.
We both know we can't stay in high gear and be happy.
Can you just take some time off and rest?
I can starting May 1st.
and I'm going to!!!!!
Take care of yourself.
# posted by : 4/17/2007 11:06 PM
: 4/17/2007 11:06 PM And thank you for Sunsdhning me :-)
That brought a smile to my face!!
Love you!!!
Y'know, it doesn't cease to surprise me how much support and positive energy I get from complete strangers whom I've never met.
It is true - too much stress combined with being taken for granted, can metastasize to totally unrelated things and people.
Damn it, I find myself canceling coffee with real friends and putting my own matters on hold - and for whom?
A great, wonderful friend here, who never comments on my blog but is a devoted reader, has called and made me come with her for a walk outdoors tomorrow morning. Should be the ultimate cleansing for the soul.
I hope that will do it.
I'm giving you a big, warm virtual hug. Now clean those lenses. :)
Breathe.
and no killing of little birds today.
(I said that for myself)
:)
# posted by : 4/18/2007 5:15 AM
: 4/18/2007 5:15 AM I feel like you're speaking for me. I have been so pissed-off this week (on and off) for no reason at all. I find myself resenting the Turtar and Her Nibs for getting in my way as I'm trying to serve them. I know. It makes no sense. Let me know how your walk goes. If that's the secret to breaking the angry spell, I'll try it. (The ice cream I got yesterday only had a small impact, even with fudge sauce!)
And may I suggest The JohnnyB doesn't start a PhD program--not exactly a relaxing experience for the spouse (or the student...). But we're nearly through--just a few more months!
I hope you feel better soon.
Not quite depression - more like stress, and way too much of it, about small things and small people that pile up and become too much to handle.
Hopefully, by next week, some of that will be out of the way.
and one day, who knows, I might learn to not take things so much to heart, when they do not deserve to be taken.
I can't even bring myself to paint
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Oy man, m'lady! You sound like me now! STOP IT!
Glad you held that "trash it" impulse in check. THAT's a tough lesson to learn the hard way.
Y'all take care and the funk will move along. Good thoughts comin' your way from C-Town, eh. :)))
And so very true.
Sometimes, when you are truly down, you wanna destroy everyone and everything who is not feeling like you. That is the time to stay away from people, as they will only upset you. but when you cannot afford to keep away from people, and they are doing things that drive you crazy ('cause they can) - it's a real challenge to put up with it all.
Ah, if I could put some people on that very window sill.........
Anyway, I swear there is something in the air - many in the blogosphere and around me seem to have some funk.
Thanks for the good thoughts - and hang on there too, m'lord!
(well, if I am m'lady...)
p.s. I'm going to print and frame that poem. ;-)
