Thoughts in the USA

We have our Annual Show coming up. Actually, two annual shows. One of the organization of which I am president, the other of a different art group. One demands only watermedia paintings, the other is about any kind of art. One has a very challenging theme, the other is, hmm - theme-less, so it seems.

And I take part in both. I am part of the overall organization of the first one, and I'm helping to hang the second one.

So, I need to make sure I actually enter paintings to both. I mean, it would be, y'know, silly to put all that time and effort into a show that I end up not having my own piece on the wall.

The theme of the first one paralyzed me for a while, but then set me on a thinking process (process? moi!?). And, after a discussion with QuiltieD, a fellow don't-know-what-to-paint-for-the-show-artist, I embarked on what might be an exciting journey: a new series about someone I spend a lot of time with. I have a pretty good knowledge of what is important to this person, what makes her tick, her life story, the struggle to belong. It's someone I like quite a bit, most of the time. Quite an intelligent woman, with a sense of humor I highly appreciate. And she is currently going through a major crisis, perhaps one of them mid-life crises. She does not feel yet that she fully belongs where she lives now, and has recently realized that her strong sense of belonging to the previous country was not quite realistic, as she went through a very rude awakening on her last visit.

Sucks, Ha?

I wouldn't want to be in her shoes.

Therefore, I am walking barefoot whenever I can..

Yup. It's all about me!!!

I decided to delve back into my self portrait, go back to what started here and continued - more successfully - here, and try to take it further.

I am a great believer in art therapy. Art was my stepping stones back to life after my world has shattered 7.5 years ago. And, in the past couple of years, every time I was deep down and managed to get myself to paint, it helped beyond description. Somehow, the bad feelings, the sorrow and grief, the anger and frustration, transfer through the brush to the paper - and a lot of the Giffa (Hebrew slang for, well, everything that sucks) stay there! I have several paintings that, whenever I look at them, I recall exactly what mood I was in, and what exactly caused that mood. They are not pretty pictures, not quite something someone would hang over the sofa next to their matching curtains, but they are the truest, most powerful paintings I've created.

A-n-y-w-a-y - I figured that since I am so troubled by this new wave of acculturation pangs, dealing with it via art might be the best therapy.

Now, this idea I have is very ambitious, as I want to incorporate this constant conflict into my work. During that conversation with QuiltieD, she asked me a couple of simple questions that stirred up a lot of ideas and emotions, and set me spinning on a spiral of ideas. The car has found the way home on it own that day.

That was Thursday afternoon.

Of course, once I came home, all excited and ready to go, I freaked.

First, it IS very ambitious, and how do I even start to begin to commence to initiate to make the first step???
Plus, it means dealing with some deep emotions and looking them in the face, digging deep down into my soul (as shallow as it may be). It may mean that I dive in and come back up on the other end with an answer I might not like - or no answer at all.

So I turned the TV on.

But after a couple of hours, consumed with guilt and self-reprimand at the wimp I've become, I did a couple more of those sketch-from-TV images, that turned out impressively disastrous.

The day after, I made a decision to go for it. Scribbled some ideas, first on paper and then moved to the computer, got stuck very quickly, and decided that if I am need time to think and stew, I might as well do it with a brush in my hand.

And, in the last couple of days, I started to practice my self portrait, working with the good old bozzettos. These little thingies are so great, as you are just exercising, and not as result-oriented. Did 6 so far, in different stages of finishing. However, the first ones turned out quite careful, weak and overworked. And, no matter how much I kept telling myself, "these are just exercises, chill out!! experiment!!!", I kept doing the same thing over and over again, ovrworking them in a struggle to make them succeed - which is the ultimate path to failure.

Tonight, a bit after midnight I got tired of my own face. Frustrated of the uninspired results so far, I commented to The JohnnyB, "I hope I don't end up never wanting to do a self-portrait ever again!".

I then decided to do one last bozzetto, before crashing to bed. After all that careful rendering of every detail, I decided to just have fun with the fifth one. Pure, careless fun, solely aimed at loosening up from this painting-on-eggshells mode that I got trapped in.

I never did a portrait that way. In fact, I am not sure I've ever painted this way, at least not as an adult. It was so much fun!

And I like it the best!!

And - to my astonishment - so does The JohnnyB!!!

And the fact it happend just when I got bored to tears of the subject, well... that means I hit the wall of boredom... and started creating rather than copying...

Hmm, sounds familiar. It should actually be a "Duh!" moment to anyone who took Mike's Beyond The Obvious class (twice!!).

And yet, I guess I forgot this intoxicating feeling.

I see an ArtPact coming...

Labels: Art, It's All About Me, Major Achievements

# posted by Nava @ 12:40 AM