Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Incredible Story
Y'all know those touchy-feely email that vring to you all those cozy fuzzy wonder stories, right? We all get them, they go round and round and round.
Well, I got this today from Amir, who added "I decided you will appreciate this story".
He sent it to me in Hebrew, and I liked it so much I tried to find it in a langage y'all can read. And while at it, I discovered the incredible website of sickipedia (where I found this one).
In 1986, Dan Harrison was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being
trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the nclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. . .
. . .
. . . Probably wasn't the same elephant!
Labels: Joke, Meta Bloggin', Nature, People
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
A Little Lunch For Thought (TM) #15
A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud to be an American. Or at least live here.
(Sent to me by Adriana - Thanks!!)
previous little lunch... ...next little lunch
Labels: Acculturation, Culture, Damn Technology, Joke, Little Lunch for Thought, Meta Bloggin', People, Profoundness
Thursday, April 03, 2008
A Comic Relief - or Two
Two collections of end jokes from one of my favorite series on TV, the BBC's "The Vicar of Dibley".
Labels: Creativity of Others, Joke, Meta Bloggin'
Monday, December 24, 2007
A Different Angle on Christmas
LexieV decided to spread the holiday spirit by sending me this little tale.
A Jewish father was troubled by the way his son turned out, and went to see his Rabbi about it.
"I brought him up in the faith, gave him a very expensive Bar Mitzvah, cost me a fortune to educate him. Then he tells me last week he has decided to be a Christian! Rabbi, where did I go wrong?"
"Funny you should come to me", said the Rabbi. "Like you I, too, brought my boy up in the faith, put him through University, cost me a fortune, then one day he, too, tells me he has decided to become a Christian."
"What did you do?", asked the father.
"I turned to God for the answers", replied the Rabbi.
"And what did he say?", pressed the father.
"God said, 'Funny you should come to me...' "
Have a Merry and Warm Holiday, y'all!
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
WebbieM sent this to me, in the spirit of the season.
I can sooooooo relate it's scary! (Oh, and we do have a Christmas, uhm, Holiday, oopps, Annual Party coming up...).
Enjoy, rejoice and - happy Political Correctness y'all!
The Company Christmas Party
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 11, 2007
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
- - -
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 12, 2007
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
- - -
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 13, 2007
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
- - -
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 14, 2007
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
- - -
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*ing Employees
DATE: December 15, 2007
RE: The F*ing Holiday Party
Vegetarian pr*cks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bi*tch from HELL!!!!!!!!
- - -
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 16, 2007
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Labels: Desecration, Holidays, Joke, Meta Bloggin', People
Monday, April 02, 2007
HAPPY PASSOVER!!!
Starting tonight, we (as in Jewish peoples) are supposed to eat Matzot for seven days, and get all bloated and constipated.
Why?
'cause Moses did not bother to plan ahead, and rushed the people of Israel to leave Egypt before the dough could leaven. Moses, mind you, being a typical man, never bothered asking for directions, and then they all got lost in the desert for 40 years before arriving at the promised land.
And that is why we eat Matzot.
Well, kinda.
If you want the more formal interpretation of Passover, you can read about it here.
Now, being the chosen People is not easy, Eh... as a matter of fact, it's quite a burden, but that is another matter. Much more fun to be Pastafarians, if you ask me; but then again, pasta is not kosher for Passover.
Anyway, a Matza is actually quite tasty, but can be challenging to handle. Since we are not allowed to eat bread, we have to use this treacherous surface for sandwiches and stuff. And so, here's a spoof about those creative Japanese movies, that reveals how to break a Matza in two.
Now, that is what I call a true miracle of Passover, if you ask me!!
!!!חג אביב שמח
Labels: Food, Holidays, Joke, Meta Bloggin'
Monday, March 05, 2007
March of the Emperor
Ever tried to tell the plot of a movie to someone?...
Sent to me by The Very Dina - THANK YOU!!!
Labels: Joke, Meta Bloggin'
Friday, February 16, 2007
A Little Lunch For Thought (TM) #5
Sent to me by DaskieM (a proud American).
Thanks.
And I am still in an urgent need to know: what state does KFC come from?...
previous little lunch... ...next little lunch
Labels: Joke, Little Lunch for Thought, Meta Bloggin', People
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Zen Judaism
This one is dedicated to Michael Bains of the Silly Humans blog, who enriches us all with the Daily Zen wisdom.
Sent to me by LexieV, probably to remind me of my roots...
* If there is no self,
Whose arthritis is this?
* Be here now.
Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?
* Drink tea and nourish life.
With the first sip... joy.
With the second... satisfaction.
With the third, peace.
With the fourth, a danish.
* Wherever you go, there you are.
Your luggage is another story.
* Accept misfortune as a blessing.
Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?
* The journey of a thousand miles
Begins with a single "oy".
* There is no escaping karma.
In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.
And whose fault was that?
* Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have? Bupkes.
* The Tao does not speak.
The Tao does not blame.
The Tao does not take sides.
The Tao demands nothing of others.
The Tao is not Jewish.
* Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.
* Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.
And sit up straight.
You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders
* Be patient and achieve all things.
Be impatient and achieve all things faster.
* To Find the Buddha, look within.
Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.
* To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following:
Get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?
* Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions.
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.
* The Torah says,"Love thy neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self."
So, maybe you are off the hook.
* The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings.
Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?
* Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain,
though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away,
yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment.
But, first, a little nosh.
Labels: Joke, Meta Bloggin'
Monday, January 29, 2007
Ouch...
Brings up memories, and dedicated to many, Many, MANY friends...
Thanks, Cokhava and Yoram, for sharing!!
Labels: Joke, Meta Bloggin'
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Sweet Revenge
Blueberry - this one's for you!
I have to say I find it to be a poetic justice.
(Sent to me by Yuval - thanks!).
Ole!!
Labels: Joke, Meta Bloggin'
Friday, January 26, 2007
Worst Burglar Ever?
Hard to say if this is staged, or whether this guy really is the most unlucky burglar ever.
Heartbreaking, almost.
Sent to me by the very MikeyB - Thanks, Paintermon!
Labels: Joke, Meta Bloggin'
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Moving On...
OK, like, I need to find a way to bridge between the previous post and any lightheaded future post, Eh?
So, since I am a big believer in remembering with a smile, here's something that Oz would have highly appreciated, especially since The JohnnyB was one of his best buddies.
Sent to me by Michelle, and definitely dedicated to The JohnnyB...
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."
Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake."
Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."
Cabbie: "And, he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished to go - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."
Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"
Cabbie: "I married his fucking widow!!!".
Labels: Joke
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Cold, Eh?
Yep, this is in Celsius.
(For those of you who cannot handle it - well, now you know how I feel when you speak Fahrenheitish).
Courtesy of Gal (Thanks!)
+20° - Greeks put on sweaters (if they can find them).
+15° - Hawaiians turn on the heaters (if they have them).
+10° - Americans shake, Russians are planting cucumbers.
..+5° - You can see your own breathing. Italian cars don't start. Norwegians take a bath. Russians drive with lowered windows.
...0° - Water freezes in America, in Russia it thickens.
..-5° - French cars don't start.-10° - You're planning a vacation to Australia.
.-15° - Your cat insists to sleep in your bed. Norwegians put on sweaters.
-18° - New York landlords turn on the heaters. Russians make their last seasonal picnic.
-20° - American cars don't start. People in Alaska start wearing long-sleeves.
-25° - German cars don't start. Hawaiians are dead.
-30° - Politicians start talking about homeless people. Your cat prefers to sleep in your pajamas.
-35° - Too cold to think. Japanese cars don't start.
-40° - You're planning a 2-week hot tub bath. Swedish cars don't start.
-42° - Transportation stops in Europe. Russians eat ice cream on the street.
-45° - All Greeks are dead. Politicians really start doing something for the homeless.
-50° - Your eyelids start sticking when you blink. In Alaska, people close the window in the bathroom.
-60° - White bears start moving south.
-70° - Hell freezes.
-73° - Finnish special services evacuate Santa Claus from Lapland. Russians wear earmuff hats.
-80° - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
-114° - Ethyl alcohol is freezing. Russians are unhappy.
-273° - Absolute zero, atomic movement stops. Russians wear boots.
-295° - 90% of the planet is dead. Russian soccer team becomes the world champion.
Labels: Joke, Meta Bloggin'
Friday, December 22, 2006
Still Looking For That Special Gift?....
...it's not too late!
Here's a last-moment idea, that goes pretty well with Silly Humans theme for today. (It even comes with instructions).
Thanks, HoytieB, for this valuable contribution!
...and yet, that still doesn't help us ladies with our quest for the ultimate gift for the man in our life.
Labels: Joke, Meta Bloggin'
Thursday, December 21, 2006
A Thousand Words - And Then Some #4
So, since I have shown The JohnnyB desecrating the Hanukka candles, here's the other side of the coin. Sent by LexieV.
I have no idea who these boys are, but it made even me cringe...
No Santa's coming down their chimney this year, that's for sure.
previous 1000 Words... ...next 1000 words
Labels: Desecration, Joke
Friday, December 15, 2006
A Thousand Words - And Then Some #2
This one, as opposed to the previous, is not mine.
Got it from MikeyB, the Paintermon (THANKS!!), googled for the source, and had to share.
As the source, Alternate Brain, says:
An archeological team, digging in Washington DC, has uncovered 10,000 year old bones and fossil remains of what is believed to be the first Politician.
Previous 1000 Words... ...Next 1000 words
Labels: Joke, Meta Bloggin'
Thursday, December 14, 2006
'Tis The Season
In the last couple of weeks, I was walking around with a pious smile, declaring how sensible we are (The JohnnyB and myself, that is) for not getting into this crazy present-amuck that's going around here.
And then we decided to invite TexieD, his better 95% and his kids for Christmas eve dinner...
And so, there went my smirking gloat.
When hearing this, BlaineyC mused: "What I want to know, is it divine justice that you were so happy not to have to get those Christian gifts and now you do?". Well, I guess I deserved that.
Hence I suddenly fully relate to the following bit I got from VallieM.
She, so it seems, is knee-deep in gifts, quilting and wrapping these days, and yet found the time to send this.
Thanks, Val!
- - - - - - -
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men: Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went to see the baby Jesus and - according to the Book of Matthew - "presented unto Him gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact:
There is no mention of wrapping paper.
If there had beenwrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:
"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throw it away, but Mary saith unto him, 'Hold it! That is nice paper!” And she saveth it for next year! And Joseph rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped.
This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers.
Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off.
This is not just my opinion.
This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.
One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."
The other is Karl, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents Daddy wrapped at Christmas," Karl said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
Other men also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in their motor skills, they can never completely wrap them. They can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when they are done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out.(Sometimes they camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If they had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give most women a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, they can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. Many women actually like wrapping things. If they give you a gift that requires batteries, they wrap the batteries separately,which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies, that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:
1. Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
2 If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning.
YOUR WIFE: "Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?"
YOU: "It's a gift! See? It has a bow!"
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): "It's a leaf blower."
YOU: "Gas-powered! Five horsepower!"
YOUR WIFE: "I want a divorce."
YOU: "I also got you some myrrh."
3. The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced inhalf horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack!
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it.
The really important thing, during this very special time of year, is …
….that you save the receipt.
- - - - - - -
And I say: HAPPY HANUKKA to y'all
חג אורים שמח
Labels: Holidays, Joke, Meta Bloggin'
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Wii. 'nough Said.
This one should be put in a time capsule, for the next generations to watch in wonder.
Dedicated - with sympathy - to TexieD. (Next Sunday, Eh?)
Labels: Damn Technology, Joke, Meta Bloggin'
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
The Angel Atop The Christmas Tree
Most of you (well, at least those of you that English comes naturally to...) are busy nowadays with decorations and gift hunting and all the other joys of the season.
Take a moment to read this classic, which was sent to me years ago by someone.
Not long ago, and not far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip.
But there were problems everywhere.
Four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where.
More stress.
And then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards on the sleigh cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys.
Frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
But he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink.
And in his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
And the angel said:
"Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree?". . .
. . . And that, my friends, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
And only now I realize, with horror, that all of Santa's mishaps really remind me of someone else (also bearded, sveltely bellied, and rosy-cheeked), when he is trying to do something.
OK then. . .
SantaB it is!
Labels: Holidays, Joke, Meta Bloggin'
